Fire Department Accidentally Goes To Leesville (Satire)

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A close-up of a manual-pull fire alarm at Leesville. After an administrator saw the fire truck arriving, they subsequently panicked and pulled the fire alarm— causing students to evacuate the building as if there had been a legitimately detected fire. (Picture courtesy of Blase Harriss)

Last Tuesday, the fire department went to Leesville Road High School to check the building to see if there was a fire. This is quite typical, as Leesville has had many fire alarms in the past year— however, when the firefighters arrived, many LRHS students and faculty were quite confused, as the fire alarms had not gone off and no fire had been reported.

For reasons unknown to anyone at the time, the fire department showed up that day and started their routine motions— sweeping the building for a fire— without there ever having been a fire alarm nor an actual fire.

“I did find it kinda weird that none of the administrators came out to greet us, and that there was no fire alarm going off in the building. however, despite those strange things, we continued as normal,” said firefighter Johnny Carlyle.\

“I almost thought about asking Chief Kammy about it, but we had gone through these same motions so many times it didn’t even phase me that everyone was still in the building, nor that they were not in a hurry to leave,” said Carlyle.

The fire department’s unexpected arrival panicked the students and faculty, which led to an administrator, believing the fire department to be present for a legitimate fire-related reason, pulling the actual fire alarm and setting it off.

LRHS student Laramy Kingle, sophomore, said, “Honestly, I’m not even surprised. The amount of times the fire alarm has gone off and the fire department showed up just to do nothing— I feel like it’s not too much of a stretch to think that the fire department would show up without the fire alarm. I mean, the opposite happens all the time. It was going to happen eventually.”=

Head Firefighter Kammy McCarny stated, “Sorry about that… We were so used to coming to Leesville, we missed our turn and just went to the school. We were actually supposed to go to “Lee Road” high school, but… well, we’re way more used to going to Leesville. We will not be charging the school for this particular incident.”

The fire department did not charge the school for their unexpected and unnecessary arrival. However, immediately after the fire department’s departure and the subsequent return of students to the school, the fire alarm went off for real and the fire department returned to Leesville to sweep the building once again— for real this time.

As is typical for Leesville, however, the firefighters found nothing but the remnants of a bathroom vape cloud and security footage of the only person in the bathroom at the time of the alarm.

“We will, however, be billing the school for the actual, smoke-detected fire alarm,” Mccarny said.

Student Jarediah Olman, junior, was the sole person in the bathroom and one who set off the fire alarm. Olman stated in an interview that “That was… like, my twenty-fifth time setting off the fire alarm this semester… I’m on a roll, man.”

Olman is the sole person responsible for every vape-induced fire alarm at Leesville this year, as well as last year. His addiction to vaping every single day and almost always getting caught was infamously legendary up until recently.

Olman was once seen as an underground celebrity whom most angsty teens supported the antics of— albeit mostly half-jokingly— as a subtle way to revolt against the system and feel some sense of independence in their lives in an uncaring world. Olman held the position of teenage angst representative since the beginning of last year— until his actions affected the entire school two times a day for a month. Then, everyone was just as sick of his antics as the administrators were.

One angster who wished to remain anonymous stated that “Olman was our lone hero in the dark, our unknown savior facing off against the overreaching power of the administration, vaping in the bathroom against the pure embodiment of an evil, expansive bureaucracy. He was our redemption— our way forward from being powerless, pitiful creatures doomed to follow the orders of the system. Our way to go against the grain. But now? Man, now he just sucks. I hate fire alarms.”

Unfortunately, it seems Anonymous’s statements will not be stopping Olman’s plans anytime soon.

“I plan to get the number of alarms to seventy by the end of this year, just you wait. Imma get a Guinness world record for this. Just watch me,” Olman said.

“I guess the administration was right all along with their constant efforts to stop him from vaping… I see it now. I should never have rooted for him,” Anonymous said.

“That guy sucks,” Anonymous said.

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