• November 24, 2020
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As I sit in newspaper at 7:52 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, I am sleep deprived and out of ideas for “valuable” articles.  My ability to concentrate between the hours of 7:25 a.m. and 2:18 p.m. dwindled to nothing back in February and I now struggle to simply stay awake.

The class never really recovered after the month before prom, which was spent dress shopping, limo-booking, tux-designing and spring break list-making.

The nature of Broer’s newspaper class is simple: get your article in by Friday.  That’s really all.  Despite the 7.5 classroom hours we have each week to “report” on issues, the number of articles (forget newsworthy and timely articles, just ARTICLES) turned in each week gradually decreased alongside the class’ concentration as the semester progressed/regressed.

On any given morning in room 240, I can count on Elisabeth Jones to eat an apple and be reading a new self-help book as she, a self-appointed officer of the Fashion Police, calls my outfit “unfortunate” and my shoes “questionable,” and bashes Republicans and everything they stand for.

Our other Democrat and orchestra drop-out, Eli Kratt, earned his fame this year as best (and only) sports writer.

Elisabeth’s best friend and fellow member of the cult that is Cross Country, Grace Harvey, may actually write an article throughout the week, but only after looking up runners’ stats and perusing Slate.com for thirty or forty minutes.  

When it comes to Will Bennett and Jonathan “Swag” Wendt, one can not be mentioned without the other.  They are cohorts, accomplices, comrades and every other random word synonymous with “best friends” that Will Bennett may incorporate into his first person narrative articles/diary entries.  Each of those words may also be applied to Kiley Blades, who graces us with his presence until the warning bell each morning.

As Will watches me write this over my shoulder, he requests that I mention his “chiseled body” and “luscious tan.”  There, I mentioned it.  I’m also including a picture, so you can make your own judgements.

Alex Stewart spends her time scouring the Mizzou website for a weiner dog-loving roommate, yelling about article titles and refusing to read Will’s articles, especially those which include quotes from “dead presidents.”  Right behind her sits Kelly Williamson, our beloved Editor-in- Chief and the most giggly person any of us have ever met.

There is never an explanation for anything that Wong-Soo Lee is involved it.  He’s pretty good with Photoshop and likes complicating layout, enjoys carrying two backpacks and coloring the chalkboard.

Nia, Maggie, Brendan, Matt and Kimmie, the sophomores of the class, diligently work on their arti-nope, wait.  Chemistry homework, not articles.  The sophomores are really the future of this class.  Other than Brendan, the sock and Croc-flop wearing one of the bunch, they mostly turn in their articles on time and are somewhat productive despite the chaos we surround them with.

Over the course of the year, the class finally broke Katy Huis of her “abbrieving” addiction (mostly), and was one of the only students in this class who wrote timely and (somewhat) relevant articles about Leesville every week.

Alex Schuler is the defender of all things Canadian: word spellings, customs and climate.  She’s often found sitting in the hallway, doing AP Stat work with Katy, or sitting in the apartment (a.k.a. the sketchy corner in the back of room 240) reading for AP Environmental.  

If there was a “most likely to die while eating something unhealthy” award, Virginia Reed would get it.  Her obsession with bacon, chocolate, cheeseburgers and bacon cheeseburgers covered with chocolate accompanied with her hilarious pessimism was a constant source of entertainment in tense moments.

A few minutes ago, my entire class was arguing about the words from the “The Lonely Goat Herder” from The Sound of Music and made plans to bring in the soundtrack on Thursday. Moments later, Broer is streaming the Youtube video and playing it over his computer speakers.  Though newspaper is now over, I will dearly miss everyone next year and wish you all the best of luck in avoiding Broer’s wrath next year.

One thought on “An analysis of what the newspaper class REALLY is

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