• September 19, 2019
5 Comments
my mom's and my first (grad school) graduation! we were magna cum laude!

I’ve come to a startling realization, folks; an epiphany, if you will. A school year is nine months long. Nine months is also the duration of a normal pregnancy. Ergo, if senior year were a pregnant woman, that crazy lady would be entering her third trimester this month.

“Third trimester pregnancy can be tiring and uncomfortable,” says the Mayo Clinic website spelling out the discomforts of last three months of pregnancy. “[It] can be physically and emotionally challenging.” Sound familiar, seniors?

Raging hormones, uncontrollable crying spells, cravings for pickles dipped in Cherry Garcia ice cream at 3 a.m, we’ve all been there. We remember a time several months ago when we were glowing with anticipation of the months ahead, telling everyone we know “I’M A SENIOR!” and expecting to be treated with more respect and kindness due to our “condition.”

However, as the months wore on, we became less and less pleased with the growing thing inside of us; not a baby, of course, but rather a gnawing pain to get out of here that grows and grows until it explodes out of us like that horrifying birthing scene from Breaking Dawn.

After further research, I’m surprised I’ve never compared school to pregnancy before. There are many eerie similarities between growing a fetus inside of you and surviving high school. (Mothers who have experienced the “joy” of childbirth may disagree about the differences in pain thresholds of the two, but I digress.)

One could argue that seniors, every one of us, is pregnant with hope and desire and intentions to make the transition from childhood to adulthood as swift as possible, but it’s kind of awkward to think of everyone in my class bearing a baby bump.

Reading articles about pregnancy can be enlightening as well as helpful to a senior looking for ways to cope with their condition. Replacing the word “baby” or “pregnancy” with “diploma” or “graduation” can equate almost any advice given to soon-to-be Mama Bears to high school seniors.

“Your [desire to get high school over with] may make it hard for you to get comfortable. You may be tired of [school] and anxious to get it over with. If you’ve been gearing up for your [graduation], you may be disappointed if it comes and goes uneventfully.”

“Try to remain positive as you look forward to the end of your [high school career]. Soon you’ll hold your [diploma] in your arms! Here’s what to expect in the meantime.”

WebMD tells us that we will experience fatigue, back pain and difficulty sleeping. Check. Parenting.com says we may have bizarre dreams like giving birth to frogs or puppies. I’m not sure how common that last part is among the senior class, but given the lunacy of these people, quite frankly, I would not be surprised.

The countdown continues to the big day, June 11. We’ve marked our calendars, bought the necessary supplies and have begun planning graduation parties, the high school equivalent of baby showers. I won’t go into the graphic explanation of childbirth, but we all know it’s coming. If I were you, I’d get plenty of bed rest.

5 thoughts on “Senioritis: month seven

  1. It’s a shame this prodigy isn’t still writing for the Mycen! So witty… so witty it hurts.

  2. Ha! Love the analogy! Nice job. A tip:ice cream and foot massages. You can’t have too much of either in the last month! 😉

  3. Great article!! Alex you keep outdoing yourself in this series.
    I will also miss reading this column and your spicy style next year…

  4. Awesome. I will miss this column next year. I would say ‘make sure you bring the baby by to visit’ but previous posts have pointed out that I shouldn’t expect that – you are outta here…However, I will say that I kinda hope to see you at Homecoming in the fall, infuriating next years seniors…

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