Senior Parents Are Trying Their Best (Satire)


As the school year nears its end, Leesville seniors seem ready to throw out their parents’ rules and begin an early transition to collegiate independence. Broken glass litters the hallways, anti-establishment graffiti lines the walls, and an organized demolition derby took place in the student parking lot Saturday night.

However, I urge my peers to give their parents a break. They are only doing their jobs.

And, believe it or not, they know what’s best for you. 


Tom Jones, a Clemson commit graduating from Leesville, used to be adamantly opposed to the Life360 app, calling it “immoral”, and arguing that his parents weren’t subjected to the same monitoring when they were in high school, so he shouldn’t have to be either.

“Parents these days are so overly concerned about their children’s safety that they strip their kids’ lives of any privacy,” said Jones. “I’m 18. I can take care of myself.”

Jones’ naive declaration was proven wrong on the night of March 29, when he swerved into a ditch to avoid a deer and totaled his car. 

Thankfully, Mrs. Jones knew about the accident right away due to Life360’s “ImminentDanger™” feature, which allowed her to swiftly reach the scene and inform Jones not only about the dangers of unsafe driving, but of all his shortcomings in life. 

“And don’t even get me started on your lack of commitment around the house! You and your father…leaving me to do all the work!” she cried as Jones was lifted onto a stretcher. 

“Life360 saved my life,” Jones later said in a local ad promoting safe driving. He was paid handsomely to share his humbling experience. 


“It’s amazing to me how my child is about to leave for college but cannot follow even the simplest of instructions,” said Ann Ledger, mother of two, as she helped herself to some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

Ledger had asked her daughter to pick up some sugar-free, vegan chocolate chips at the local grocery store in order to satisfy her serious dietary restriction. Her child was unable to follow through.

Ledger’s daughter, Martha, was convinced the specific chocolate chips her mother wanted did not exist. “I got her normal chocolate chips, and she told me that I was a burden,” Martha said.


Your parents are trying their best to keep up with the times in an era full of technology and changing norms.

It’s not their fault you have so many friends. “There’s Jake from soccer, Jake that works at Publix, Jake that helped me work on my truck for three full days,” said Mike Arnold, father of Peter Arnold. “I just can’t keep them all straight.” 

When shown a picture of his son’s friend Jake Reedy, Arnold showed no signs of recognition. 

However, Reedy had only good things to say about Arnold. “Yeah, I helped him out with his truck,” Reedy said. “We talked about soccer and my job at the grocery store.”

While names are confusing, it is nothing compared to the advancement of technology. Susan Anderson, the mother of two teenage boys, acknowledges that it is hard to learn the workings of newer technology, and despises all technology with a burning passion (but definitely not because she cannot figure it out).

“They are stealing our information and recording us. I don’t think it’s smart for our lives to depend on this stuff,” said Anderson. 

She recently covered the cameras of all devices in her home and established a “tech-free” room, where her goal is to have conversations with her family without the fear of being overheard.

Our interview with Anderson was abruptly interrupted when she received a Life360 notification that her son was on his way home from practice. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to let my son know to go to the store,” said Anderson, using the voice-to-text feature on her iPhone to send a text message to her son. The microphone was able to pick up the correct phrasing on the third try.


It is important for our generation to channel empathy as we navigate our lives alongside our parents. 

It’s not like they have been here that much longer than us, and therefore should be more equipped to help us navigate our lives than we are. Right?


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