Tasteless holidays

Tis’ the season to be tasteless. Some people say the holiday season is the time to celebrate tackiness, but I disagree. A lack of good taste should never be celebrated.

I would say, driving through my neighborhood, that for every tasteful home on display with a floodlight, there are two outlandishly decorated ones with hyperactive blinking snowflakes. Can someone please give these poor misguided citizens some Ritalin and a power outage for their ridiculous decorations?

It’s not that I am trying to be “The Grinch,” ruining every one’s Christmas spirit, but there is something to be said about the serious neglect of taste that comes with the holiday season.

I love that families are getting excited for their holiday traditions, but are the huge inflatables really that necessary? Then again, I can’t help but smile when I see a deflated Santa Clause, dead and wilted, after a few glow-in-the-dark elves accidentally punctured him while doing the Macarena.

I must confess that my own family has the whole cheesy expression of holiday cheer disease. Every year, I refuse to decorate the tree. Instead, my job is to edit the tree after my imprudent family members pile on everything in our ornament box.

While we are on the subject, I must say that rule number one in tastefully decorating a Christmas tree is that “less is more.” Do not use everything you own to weigh down your tree’s capability for class or dignity.

My philosophy for tree decorating is first, to the fill up the tree with white bulbs instead of the rainbow-colored ones. Sure, the colored ones are fun and cute, but I want my tree to look like a beautiful centerpiece as opposed to a fruitcake.

After lacing the tree with tasteful lights, I have my family decide on a color scheme of silver or  gold ornaments—never the two together because silver does not go with gold—ever. You can add a splash of red and green here and there, but seriously—no mixing of metals. It is absolutely crucial.

For my tree, there are no excuses for the display of hand-made children’s ornaments (Popsicle sticks? Really?).

One of my friends (Grace Harvey)  suggested I bend the rules a little and put the atrocious, elementary crafts behind  the tree so no one can see them. The only problem is that if I did such a thing, I would almost be too embarrassed for the deer in my backyard to witness such a violation.

Speaking of violations, if there is one thing I can’t stand about Christmas decorations it is the snow-globe. They look pretty cool after shaking them up and everything, but the music kills me.

I am not sure the average non-musician can hear the absolute terror of the snow-globe, but as the music begins to fade, it starts to go flat and the sound never ceases. So not only is the music a total weapon of mass destruction to my ears, but the random tinkering gets under my skin too.

To end my rant about the butchering of the Christmas season, I must complain about the Christmas sweater.

No one, with an exception to public school K-8 teachers, should ever wear this monstrosity. I wish I could find the genius behind this disgusting idea, because I just want to know why they thought it was a good idea. Not only is it déclassé, but it is just not nice to the one wearing it, and those who must be forced to look at it.

Anyway, all criticism aside, I would just like to wish everyone a happy holiday, and may your celebration of the season be filled with great joy—and taste.

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