Midterm Satire

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Well, President Joe Biden is surging up to a 43 percent approval rating, so naturally Democratic chances look pretty good. We have less than two weeks until the election, and I have to say, to those of us not looking forward to the next January 6, we are not going to have a fun few months.

You’d think that someone who ties his political future to the success of establishment Democrats in primaries and general elections and just in general would be happy, but I’ll definitely miss the constant, dishonest ads from Cheri Beasley and Ted Budd every time I turn on YouTube, and the constant fundraising emails of Joe Biden offering to call me if I chip in. 

The President, who is proud of winning a nailbiter against the biggest jerk to ever run for office, Donald Trump, is staking his entire message on abortion. Women are most of the electorate, and I guess risking your party’s whole legislative future on something that’s barely a top five issue is a great start to a winning campaign!

One place where Democrats are not favored is the House of Representatives. Alas, we will likely be unable to hold onto it this time. But hey, I’m sure the coaches, conspiracy theorists and alleged sex offenders that Republicans want chairing committees are just as qualified as devoted public servants, so don’t worry about it.

Sen. Rick Scott, after making a horcrux out of Claire McCaskill’s dead political career, had something important to say the other day on senate chances: “Oh yeah, I think we’re maybe up in uh.. New Hampshire? We might also have a chance in that one state with all the trees and liberals. What’s it called? Washington? Dude…I’m a senator, I think I’d know if we had more than one Washington.” 

Mitch McConnell, the Republican leader who is secretly a turtle, took a drag off his cigarette at that remark. We all know he’s a reptile, but he’s been looking really green lately. Maybe it’s because the Quack TV Doctor is losing to a guy who had a stroke and can barely talk, and the Football Player who can’t make a full sentence and fantasizes about committing murder is losing to a Reverend. 

Speaking of spooky party leaders, Nancy Pelosi, who you may remember from the horror movie The Nun, gave a non-blinking press conference where she said “Y-yes I-I have absolutely all the confidence in the world in the p-presi-president of the United States.” Nancy then got upset at reporters for asking why the Democrats do so poorly with rural voters now, that her eyebrows shot into her forehead from all the botox. “It’s because we have to win people with lazy eyes that wear work boots. We didn’t even need to try before. I don’t know why a racist old man somehow connects with them!”

Chuck Schumer has been super happy, as he will not only expand his tenure as majority leader but also the number of seats the Democrats have in the senate: “I’m looking forward to picking up just one seat and then losing Joe Manchin in 2024. It’s so nice not to have to ask moderates for help at all,” says the senator. 

Donald Trump has been hurting his party’s chances more than anything, sending off on his Knockoff Twitter, Truth Social, that Republican Senate Candidate in Colorado, Joe O’Dea, was dumb for not supporting him and that “MAGA doesn’t vote for stupid people with big mouths.” Is anyone going to tell this man, or do I have to? 

Anyways, ideally this country doesn’t burn to the ground! If it doesn’t, we’ll have two years of PRESIDENTIAL stuff.

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