Sun. Dec 5th, 2021
Wendt responds normally to a foul odor. Photo courtesy of Jon Wendt, swag-master.

The stench of death infiltrated my nostrils as I opened the door to my car. I had noticed the unbearable odor developing the night before, but hadn’t given it much thought. Overnight, the smell had blossomed and poured out of the door as I opened it the following morning. Already late for school, I frantically rummaged through the contents of my back seat. I sniffed for the source of the odor like a crack addict. The whole backseat reeked of dead animal with no apparent centralized source. My search in vain, I decided to bear the abuse and drive to school with the windows open.

I went along with my daily duties and let the festering smell be, against my better judgement. I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind as I wrote my numerous articles in first period.  In order to confront my fears, I enlisted the assistance of my trusted colleague William Bennett and we trekked to the parking lot in anxious anticipation. Upon arriving at my parking spot, Bennett pulled out two hypoallergenic face masks and I unlocked the door with bated breath.

The smell immediately overwhelmed us, and Bennett fell prostrate on the asphalt. Leaving my comrade where he lay, I fished through his pockets for Febreeze which I knew to be a staple for combating unruly odors.

I dove over the seat to investigate the horrific smell, spraying copious amounts of Febreeze as I sailed through the air. At the peak of my jump, I spied a cooler that was suspiciously overflowing with stagnant water and a wealth of dead yeast. (My friend Kiley enjoys baking bread on the weekends). I landed next to the purported source and donned my latex gloves. I gingerly emptied the contents of the cooler onto the parking lot and to my dismay, I observed the contents eat away the asphalt like acid.

It was only at this point did I realize that my comrade was still in dire need of aid.I searched through his pockets once more to retrieve a stick of smelling salts which I knew to be a staple for reviving smell-comatose victims. As he came to, he violently coughed and was on the verge of retching. “Aghhhh is it gone? Did you kill it?” I assured him that his sacrifice was not a lost cause and that we had indeed succeeded.

The moral of this story is to never put off today what you can do tomorrow.

By Jon Wendt, Staff Writer

American rapper and entertainer. He is most usually recognized for his long-standing rap beef with Kiley "KZA" Blades and work in the East Coast underground hip hop scene. Word Up magazine has described "The Jellyman" as a man with "ridikulus swagga and quick-witted rhymes", and his 2009 single, "Throw Ya Snuggies in da Ayer" was heavily distributed as a classic throughout the suburbs of Raleigh. Jon had the unique experience of being surrounded by noted rappers in the Raleigh area as a young child. These early encounters with hip hop led him to begin rapping at the young age of 10 in the presence of the local gang bosses who would employ "The Jellyman" to freestyle for their personal entertainment. At the age of twelve, Jonathan Wendt was recruited into the Wutang Clan, which he left after a short span of one year.

One thought on “Silly Wendt absconds goof-ups (SWAG)”
  1. Entertaining story: Headline caught my attention–absconds! You learned a few vocabulary words in AP 12! Cheers!

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