• December 11, 2019
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Fellow Americans, have no fear: your tax dollars are being put to good use. Scientists nationwide are conducting insightful, eye-opening studies preparing us for the future, enabling us with information that will blow our minds. Prepare to be enlightened.

“Growth hormone can aid athletic performance”

A hormone banned from the Olympics and other athletic events is found to increase athletic ability, says Dr. Ken Ho from the Garvan Institute of Medical Research in Sydney. Simply named Human Growth Hormone, or HGH, promotes the growth of bones and other tissue. This study “justifies its ban in sport,” Ho wisely explained to the Huffington Post. Ho’s insight will do nothing to revolutionize athletic competitions for centuries to come.

Obese kids more vulnerable to bullies”

According to Professor Julie Lumeng, M.D. at the University of Michigan, fat kids in kindergarten through third grade are 65-percent more likely to be bullied. Lumeng found it surprising that even fatties with good social skills were still beaten to a pulp. Everyone else, however, was slightly less blown away by these results.

“Bad habits can age you 12 years”

The University of Oslo’s Elisabeth Kvaavik suggested smoking, drinking, poor diet and inactivity result in a shorter life. 29-pecent of the study’s participants who were engaged in these activities died before the study ended.  The majority died of heart disease or cancer. Some elementary school students speculate that this is because of the “bad habits” these subjects formed during their life.

“Toddler TV time linked to poorer fourth-grade classroom attention, math and exercise”

Apparently, mom was right: watching TV does turn your brain to soup that will ooze out of your ears. Scientists studied kids from age two-and-a-half to fourth grade. They found that parents who stuck their infants in front of the TV for several hours a week ended up with heavier and lazier tweenies with sub-par math skills. In conclusion: sitting on a cushion watching cartoons and refraining from homework actually decreases health and GPA.

“Facebook profiles can be used to detect narcissism”

Really? But I thought all 1,345,547,870 people in your Facebook “friends” box were your real friends! And the 5,000 profile pictures of you in front of the bathroom mirror with pursed lips and peace signs make you look like a model, really. Have you considered pursuing a career as a Victoria’s Secret model? Does Tyra know about you? Good thing you discovered Photoshop, otherwise everyone would know that in reality you look like E.T.

You’re not fooling anyone, people.

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