I am not a fan of what the flatiron has done to society. The tool that burns like the flames of Hell has not only roasted and damaged the hair follicles of girls everywhere, it has also changed the lives of the curly-headed forever.
In my naïve youth, I wished to bear the hair of the classic soccer mom, in the Land of the Short and Flat. I haven’t a clue as to what I was thinking. I quickly realized what a privilege it is to be born into the thrilling World of the Curly, where magic happens and dreams come true.
A person’s hair maintenance says a lot about their personality. Straight-haired people, for example, spend hours upon hours fixing kinks and weighing down frizzies with expensive product. This annoying perfectionism spills into other areas of their lives. If there is one tiny problem, they fixate on it and refuse to move on until the issue is resolved, much like their hair routine. Their lives, like their hair, are dull, limp and boring.
The curlies, however, know better than to live this neurotic, unsatisfying lifestyle. Curlies spend a maximum of 10 minutes on their locks. They know their hair refuses to retain a desired ‘do for very long. Instead, this wise, time-saving species applies a dab of product, hopes for the best, and moves on with their lives. This technique is also true of curlies outside hairstyle maintenance. These people, my people, know how to go with the flow, to roll with the punches. If something goes wrong, and our plans become a tad frizzy, we sigh, say “oh, well,” and go along our merry way. We care more about having fun and living bouncy, unruly lives, much like the stuff that sprouts from our scalps.
A clear, distinct correlation exists between one’s hairstyle and one’s lifestyle. Observe the straight-haired population and the words flat, lifeless, and lackluster immediately come to mind. At a party, they are the people you overlook because they are standing to the side, wallflowering, watching the action from a distance. Their hair is nothing to gawk at, or marvel about, and certainly nothing you are itching to run your fingers through. Thus are the lives of the very same people. If hair was a Hannah Montana pop song, straight hair would be the vocals: highly unappreciated, insulting to the senses, and certainly not missed if it wasn’t there.
Now, if you take one look at the people of the curly-haired persuasion, you think exciting, vivacious, and tantalizing. We are the life of the party, the source of entertainment, the catalyst of fun. Our hair is awe-inspiring and just begging to be touched and played with. Nothing excites people more than when they get to “sproing” our curls. In the proverbial Hannah Montana song, curled hair is clearly the blasting, synthesized beat that makes everyone want to dance.
After a clear, scientific examination of the curly-haired and the straight-haired, one will find that, in all cases, the curls prevail.