Today, September 29, was the first day in my life that I truly enjoyed. I owe this perfect day entirely to the greatest invention known to man, the Snuggie.
While some refer to the Snuggie simply as a “backwards robe,” in reality it is entirely different. The Snuggie is an emotional experience that one cannot entirely understand until that person wears one.
I knew that I was meant to wear one when I first saw a large box of Snuggies at Food Lion. To my dismay, they were all pink, but settling for the more feminine-colored Snuggie was a sacrifice I was more than willing to make. Another problem quickly arose as I saw the 15 dollar price tag; this was twice as much money as I had.
Fortunately, I saw Jonathen Wendt, junior, also looking at the Snuggies. “When I saw the Snuggies I was filled with a feeling of bubbling joy; my heart skipped nine beats! Thankfully, pink was my favorite color, so it was a win-win situation.”
Instantly, Wendt and I purchased the Snuggies amidst the snickering of Food Lion employees. As I returned home, I confronted the dismayed face of my most trusted advisor, my mother. Instantly, she let me know that I wasted a massive amount of money; if only she had known how wrong she was.
The following day, I joined the trend that is sweeping the nation by force. As I placed the Snuggie on during my second period English class, I felt an instant transformation; I was a new man, free to be warm whilst using my hands!
Yvonne Anderson, teacher at Leesville Road High School, commented on the spectacle. “I thought it was interesting, but I would never consider wearing a Snuggie in public.” Interestingly enough, Anderson’s views were shared by the majority of the students at Leesville. In a random survey, every single student said they would not be caught dead with a Snuggie in public!
This piqued my interest; these students simply did not understand how practical the Snuggie was; for the first time in my whole life, I was able to cross my hand over my heart and say the Pledge of Allegiance without a single chill going up my spine; I was able to stand in the freezing 70 degree weather without shivering! At long last, I could even attend sporting events in the most extreme climates.
Of course, my new found joy came with its onslaught of insults. “You look real cute in pink,” said Matt Journegain, junior.
“Great look for you!” added Branson Brockschmidt, junior, in a mocking tone.
Even the school faculty joined in the taunts, Ellen Barnick, attendance lady, told me that I “Looked like a cross between a monk and a bunny.”
One student had a very different view. When asked about the Snuggie, he became frightened, even sweating a bit. Scott Levy, junior, told me that “There’s a cult of Snuggie wearers; you’ve got to be careful with those things. I’ve heard they sneak out at night when it’s chilly to drink lamb blood and stay warm.”
I was at first skeptical about this cult until I spoke with their self proclaimed leader, Kiley Blades, junior. Upon our meeting at his house, Blades was clad in Snuggies of all colors: red, green, blue, and even the limited time only zebra-print Snuggie! Blades addressed the many myths of the cult, “We don’t drink lamb blood, we drink red kool-aid!”
Blades then attempted to induct me into his cult, going through the initiation process of swearing my allegiance to the Snuggie. This was far too involved for me. After all, the Snuggie was designed with us lazy-folk in mind!
What else besides a Snuggie could allow you to be under a blanket, hold a remote to change channels while watching TV, and feed yourself Doritos from a Family-Size bag all at the same time?
The Snuggie has revolutionized many different things; TV-watching was just the first. Take reading, for example. While I would not know about this, one website raves that the Snuggie is “Ideal for flipping channels, or reading a book.” Or even both, at the same time!
Blades mentioned several other activities that have changed due to the use of his Snuggie. “I wear my Snuggies all the time, on safaris, at the top of a roller coaster, on the way down the roller coaster, at the bottom of the roller coaster, while hunting in the Amazon… The Snuggie makes great camouflage by the way.”
According to Amazon.com, the Snuggie receives a 2.5/5 star review, that’s practically half! The same site claims that the best features of the Snuggie are its “oversized sleeves” and its “incredible softness.”
I, however, disagree. The true ‘best’ feature of the Snuggie is the revival that will occur inside the soul. Words alone cannot define the transformation I underwent after donning the mystic blanket for the first time. I felt as if I could do no wrong. Every step I took was lighter, and I was kinder to everyone!
There is no reason that every person in the world should not purchase a Snuggie. They do no harm, only good. If every person in the world was a little bit happier and a little bit warmer, just imagine the difference.
In the end, it is up to the individual whether they make the decision to change their life, but at only15 dollars, it is a decision that a person will never regret.
Will Bennett is a remarkable staff writer who was recruited from his early days. In fact, before Bennett could even speak, the Mycenaean took serious interest in him. While many consider this practice to be unethical, the Leesville editors disagree. Alex Stewart claims that his contributions to the staff have been “Pullitzer Prize” worthy.
In addition to his writing, Bennett enjoys animals, Freshberry Frozen Yogurt, Hip-hop music, and long walks on the beach. He can often be found on his seaside estate composing original music, writing moving poetry, and balling with old basketball greats like Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
Insightful article, Will! Looking forward to more!
Good journalism never goes out of style.
Brilliant.
Bennett deserves a Pulitzer Prize.
Insightful article. Bennett is a talented journalist that brings grassroots issues to the table in a direct, but humble manner.