High school can feel like an exhausting cycle of trying to have people notice you while simultaneously hoping that no one looks too closely. 

Many students spend their four years of high school performing a role just to fit in. But the truth is actually belonging means being accepted without needing to pretend to be someone or something else.That feeling of true acceptance gives you a sense of safety and certainty when everything else around you feels uncertain.

Most teens aren’t necessarily looking for popularity, but rather looking for physiological safety, subconsciously trying to keep up with the changing social expectations gets exhausting and mentally draining. In a way, you are using a social camouflage which might seem like a good shield for a bit, but once that shield fades away, you can end up feeling completely and utterly alone in a crowded room. You never feel like you fully belong, because the you that some people may like, isn’t the real you, just some mask that you put on for that specific group of people.

You might stay in a group that seems more “popular” even if they don’t treat you well or value you, simply because being with them gives you social immunity. 

The relationships and friendships you make within those groups are solely superficial. You realistically cannot build genuine friendships if you are constantly pretending to be someone else. While you end up being a part of the group you are completely unknown as a person.

In many groups there seems to be that one person who everyone in the group wants to appeal to. This person is considered a leader who you constantly want to win over or be liked by, over the other people in that group.

In groups like that, life can feel like a constant competition to win over the leader. You start to rely on inside jokes, past memories, and references that only you and them would understand. Which in the end always causes someone to feel left out, but you’re just glad it isn’t you this time.

There are so many little things that can make you or someone else feel excluded or left out. Subtle things like two friends glancing at each other after you say something, people being completely silent after you ask a question, or the group walking in a line in front of you without giving you a spot within or next to them. A big one is being made to feel awkward or “too much” for caring about something like a hobby or something niche that you were enthusiastic about sharing with them.

Social media also plays a big role in providing ways to leave people out, such as people making group chats with everyone in the group but you, or someone’s private story including your friends but not you.

Riley Dortch, senior, said via text message, “I feel really left out when people talk about plans in front of me when I have no part in them or wasn’t invited to the said plans.” This sort of feeling of being an outsider on the inside, makes the fact that you are tolerated, not welcome, crystal clear. 

The pressure of wanting to conform can paralyze someone’s willingness to actually discover who they really are. Finding a new hobby, joining a new club, or reaching out to more niche friends feels like it requires a constant filter that decides whether something is cool or acceptable. Which causes some people to simply stay put in never ending cycles of doing the same things because they’re safe, instead of doing something that feels more fulfilling.

David Furr, senior, said, “Most of my interests or dreams haven’t always been the most popular, so it always became a challenge for me to actually go and put myself out there to pursue those dreams or interests. Mostly because I’ve been scared about how my friends or society would react to it.”

This toxic environment is exactly why actually belonging is a need, not a want. Finding even a small circle where you are valued as you are, don’t have to monitor every word you say, or hide things you are genuinely interested in, immediately alleviates some of that heavy load of self-preservation. You are then able to redirect some of that freed-up energy for things, like taking intellectual risks, making genuine friendships and relationships, and finally growing into the real you without fear.