Growing up with siblings has its ups and downs, especially if you are the youngest. Once your sibling goes off to college, you get this feeling that nothing feels completely right. The house feels incomplete and almost empty.

When your older sibling goes to college, the first thing you notice isn’t the missing car out in the driveway, or the empty room, it’s the heavy silence. For fifteen years of my life, it’s always been me and my older sister, Valentina. We weren’t always close, but as I grew up we got closer and closer. She was always there whether I liked it or not. But now, she’s officially starting her life, while I’m still at home trying to figure out how to make this new silence normal.

I can tell my parents are trying to make it all feel normal. But the deafening silence is clearly getting to all of us. The tension in the house is consistent and uncomfortable. It’s really interesting to see how an entire house dynamic can change from one missing piece. 

I won’t say that it was always perfect with her here, but everything felt much more balanced within the house. There’s just the constant feeling of something missing. Whether it’s the empty place mat at the dinner table, or the bathroom with only my things.

I miss the messy random hair products I would see everywhere, and the constant disagreements over who had the diffuser or the straightening iron. And the hassle of separating her clothes from mine after a big laundry load.  

I would have never thought that I would even miss fighting with my sister, which continued to happen no matter how close we got.

I will admit, I like attention especially from my parents, but with the light constantly on me it gets overwhelming. I can’t do anything without one of my parents getting on me for it. It was easier when the attention was split evenly between us both.

I also lost one of my most consistently used Ubers. With me still not having a license and having two working parents who work pretty long hours, I lost a valuable form of transportation.

Not to be sappy, but I definitely lost my best friend. I could talk with my sister for hours about practically anything. No one tells you how weird it feels to have something you thought was so stable, be taken away.

It’s not all bad, there are definitely some pros of this new arrangement. I get the bathroom all to myself so I don’t have to wait hours for her to get out of the shower. There’s also much less debate over food since I’m the only one who really eats the snacks in the house.

There’s also one less person for my parents to have to pay for with household commodities. There’s twice as much shampoo and conditioner to use with her not greedily lathering practically half a bottle into her hair with one shower.

I also get more time with my parents which is fun, to a certain extent. It’s fascinating to see how much my sister held my family together, she wasn’t perfect but she knew how to work with each of us. I don’t talk back or stand my ground as much as she always did — she always knew how to get my parents to be aware of how respect needs to be equal.

I can’t speak for any other younger siblings, but I can say that I much preferred it when I could walk downstairs, go into my sister’s room, and talk with her for hours – or until she decided that if I wanted to keep my eyebrows, I had about three seconds to exit her room.

With all the pros and cons of my situation, I can still say with my whole heart that it’s extremely important to cherish every moment with your older sibling — whether that’s simply brushing your teeth at the same time, or going on a night drive to Taco Bell to talk about anything on your mind. The second they’re gone, the silence of  their absence is the only thing you are able to notice the moment you get home every day.