The Mycenaean

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The critically acclaimed Starbucks on Glenwood Road has shut down until the end of Wake County’s exam season. 

On Sunday morning, the line was out the door — not for drinks, but for seats. Every student in a ten mile radius with an upcoming AP Exam was at the Glenwood Starbucks, “studying.”

Students arrived at the cafe at the dawn of day. As soon as the doors were unlocked, a stampede began. Students would fight over the best spots — the corner booth, the table by the window, or even the table closest to the bathroom. They were prepared to hunker down. 

The Starbucks CEO, Ian Biccol, released a press statement to address his concerns. “Students cannot come into our stores to sit all day. Who even studies at a cafe?”

The Starbucks employees, already understaffed and overworked, are experiencing their own type of burnout.

Store manager, Chad Beanston, said, “All the students claim to be burnt out, but they have no idea what they are doing to us. My hands are stained pink from the mass amount of strawberry acai drinks I have made in the last 24 hours.”

Starbucks was not built to be a second hand media center. AP Government students combined tables and covered them with over 400 flashcards, spanning from the Declaration of Independence all the way to the Letter from the Birmingham Jail.   

Teenager’s idea of “Girl Math” has heavily influenced the surge of people at Starbucks. 

Ellie Costalot, a junior and student responsible for three AP exams said, “Basically, if I sit in Starbucks and buy three drinks in six hours instead of six drinks in six hours, I’m making $18.”

Until exam season is over, other Starbucks locations around Wake County will be imposing a two hour “cram” limit. After the two hours runs out, students will be required to show proof of studying progress. If they cannot provide proof of knowledge, Starbucks will be charging them a surcharge of $15 for loitering under the disguise of exams.