The Mycenaean

Move over Vatican City — there’s a new pope in town, and he’s bringing deep-dish diplomacy and Windy City wisdom to the Holy See. Pope Leo XIV, formerly known as Robert “Lil’ Blessings” Prevost, hails straight from the heart of South Side Chicago.

While most popes rise through the ranks of fancy seminaries and ancient European churches, Leo XIV got his start as an altar boy at St. Donny’s Church and Chicken Shack, known for their communion wine slushies and Sunday gospel karaoke nights.

As a teen, Leo was known for blessing the basketball court with holy crossovers and forgiving referees for bad calls (though only after the final whistle).

He organized youth prayer circles that somehow always ended in rap battles, and he was famous for ending every roast with a humble “God bless.” His mixtape Holy Heat Vol. 3 even went triple myrrh on underground Christian rap charts.

When asked how he became the pope, Leo replied, “Well, the conclave needed someone with real-world experience and a killer gumbo recipe. Also, my uncle Tony might’ve put in a good word.” Vatican insiders say the decision was sealed after he baptized a cardinal mid-sneeze, calling it a “miracle in motion.”

Now settled in Rome, Pope Leo XIV is making waves. He replaced the Popemobile with a tricked-out lowrider and introduced “Mass on the Go” food trucks. His robes now feature gold-stitched Air Jordans, and he’s rumored to be working on a new Bible translation called The Gospel According to the Streets.

Critics say he’s too informal, but Leo says, “I’m just keeping it holy and keeping it real. Jesus rolled with fishermen and tax guys — I think he’d be cool with a kid from Chi-town.”

From blessing babies with fist bumps to adding hot sauce to communion wafers, Pope Leo XIV is giving the Catholic Church a fresh flavor. Some say it’s controversial. Others say it’s divine. But everyone agrees on one thing: the South Side has never looked so sacred.