Weightlifting Club introduces blood tests

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Leesville’s weight room, where the Weight-Training Club meets. Many teen gym goers have embraced steroids as a way to increase their performance. (Photo courtesy of Chris Pharr)

As of their most recent meeting, Leesville’s Weight Training Club has come to a new decision. Effective immediately, all current and new club members will be subject to blood testing.

“We’ve noticed a rising epidemic in regards to student’s usage of anabolic steroids… they’re not using enough!” said Mr. T, the club sponsor. 

“The students’ gains have just been too weak, we all decided to pump up those numbers quickly,” Mr. T said.

Many club members are questioning the new changes. “I know they say that going full natty is for soyboys, but I’m not sure that a 600mg dose of [trenbolone] is super healthy,” said a lifter. For this statement, the anonymous lifter was reportedly mocked in multiple TikToks for keeping a “track-runner build.”

Some other club members are excited for the new policy. “I kept hearing about improving my form or whatever, but the stanozolol I got brought my bench PR up by 25 pounds in a month,” said a freshman. “I feel really motivated by this requirement to take the best shortcuts to stone-cut abs.”

Teenage use of anabolic steroids has been a topic of hot debate, with the FDA dissuading parents from letting their teens abuse steroids. The FDA listed possible side effects such as high blood pressure, cholesterol and aggressive behavior. When asked about the prevalence of aggressive behavior in teen steroid users, a club member said, “What, do you think that’s bad? Do we have a problem? What’s even your [expletive] bench PR?”

The club is currently encouraging those interested, especially beginning lifters to join the club. No steroids or SARMS will be provided for the club, but club members are encouraged to bring their own to mix and share.

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