The dos and don’ts of the student parking lot

Leezville Road High School senior Mercy Bennett Snapchats her friends while driving through Leezville’s student parking lot. Bennett believes that to make the best use of her time, she needs to use social media even when in the driver’s seat. (Photo courtesy of Bigstock)

Hi, my name is Mercy Bennett, a senior at Leezville Road High School, and I’m here to tell YOU about the most important rules of using the student parking lot!

Driving to school is a HUGE privilege that many students look forward to; no longer do they need to rely on the bus or their parents to shuttle them between school and home. Unfortunately, most juniors are DUMB and have no idea how to drive safely and respectfully in the parking lot!

If you are one of those STUPID juniors, start paying attention NOW! Here are the most important rules of Leezville’s student parking lot:

DO walk through the parking lot staring at your phone! Scrolling through your social media feeds is of the utmost importance, even more important than your safety. Who cares if you’re not watching out for fast-moving vehicles? Those drivers will definitely be paying attention to students like you, strolling through the parking lot with their eyes glued to their phones. Better yet, you shouldn’t put down your phone once you start driving! Why not maximize your time and continue to watch your friends’ Snapchat stories while operating a two-ton metal machine?

DON’T look behind you while you’re backing up! There would never be anyone behind you. Why would they get in your way when you’re obviously in such a hurry to leave? And even if there were people behind your car, they’d move out of the way as soon as your car starts moving, right? Don’t even worry about the other cars; they’ll definitely be courteous and stop to let you through. After all, nothing is more important than you beating the buses.

DO go as fast as you can over the speed bumps! Some people ask, “What about your car’s alignment, suspension, and tires, which can all cost hundreds of dollars to repair or replace?” Well, as long as my parents pay the service bill, I don’t care! I just want to arrive home quickly. Mom and Dad can deal with all the technical stuff.

DON’T obey the speed limit: EVER! 45 miles per hour? More like 60! How else would you make it to Cookout and back during lunch? For an extra bonus, buy your own police radar detector. Then, you can speed feeling guilt-free and won’t ever have to worry about bringing home a speeding ticket. But what’s the big deal if you do? Your parents will just pay for it, right? They’ll even hire you your own lawyer! Since when did just trying to get where you want to go become a crime?

DO rev your car’s engine and honk as loudly as you can! Otherwise, the drivers around you wouldn’t know that your giant, shining, two-ton vehicle is coming. For a convenient alternative, blast your music as loudly as possible with all your car’s windows rolled down; everyone else definitely shares your taste in music. Also, road rage is really attractive—and fun! All the guys practically drool over me when I scream and flip them off while driving. Other drivers are scared to use their horns; I say, “Embrace it!” Use your horn whenever you have the chance. What’s the point of having one if you don’t honk?

DON’T yield! You are more important than those other drivers. Your wants and needs come before theirs. So what if they want to leave school, too? Like how your parents cater to your every need, they should bow to your whims, too. Just don’t look at them—otherwise, you’ll see their steely glares while you refuse to let them in.

Once you learn to obey these rules, the traffic out of the student parking lot will be smoother than ever, and there will NEVER be another wreck! Happy driving!

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