Recently I read in a book about the concept of how one must break down the ego in order to move closer to the self.
The matrix, which feeds the ego, is the enemy to the self.
The matrix will have someone say, “I am Sally Lue, a Leesville Senior. I have an okay GPA, and I am on my way to ECU to get my degree in psychology.”
The matrix, in other words, is the reality, or game, that we have been taught to play for reasons that benefit the ego (i.e. status, job, identity).
The self, going back to earlier text, is not us, but rather what flows through us.
The self is the higher truth that we already possessed as young children. When one is completely immersed in the self (the child) there is no suffering. They are one with everyone and everything around them. They have no sense of good and bad, no sense of right and wrong, and have no need to set up boundaries between themselves and the world. What moves through them is what they express. They do not have the ability to second guess their instincts.
This is where the idea of returning to heaven comes from. Heaven –in my interpretation– is right here on earth. It is what many of us hope to return to, much like what we once had as an infant. We wish to maximize pleasure and minimize pain.
In order to come into contact with the self, our egos must be slaughtered.
We must hit rock bottom and feel that we, ourselves, are powerless. The ego must become deflated of its pride and enter the cold winter of its existence.
In such a state of powerlessness, we ask ourselves questions like, “why am I here?” or “what is my purpose?” We feel without hope and without cause. We feel no call to adventure, no mission that we feel compelled to endure.
This is when a big smile comes across the face of the self because the ego realizes how clueless it really is.
At this moment the self will usually tap us on the shoulder and give us a sign. It may bring someone into our lives, or bring us a strange sequence of coincidences that opens our eyes to new possibilities.
With all of this said, I believe that my ego was most recently enthralled in the winter of its existence.
First I had to take a good look at my life. I was exposed to the matrix we all live in, and it was clear the old version of myself had to die.
Formerly a “do-school-well” student, I grew quite apathetic towards school. Things in my life, for one reason or another, lost their merit.
This year my grades have not been up to par, especially my third quarter grades. As much as my rational mind wanted to shake this lifestyle, something else in me was saying no to school.
My ego had been deflated, I felt as if everything in my life was completely collapsing around me.
My mind raced moment to moment wondering what the I’m going to do with my life. I felt like I was in the dark.
Now, It’s different.
For one reason or another I now feel as if I am entering into some type of emotional spring.
There are certain events that are transpiring in my life that seem to be swaying me in a different direction.
Maybe my theories here will prove to be true for me, maybe they won’t. I just hope they can be enjoyed and seen as a dance of ideas.