New speed bumps infuriate student drivers

Over the summer, the Leesville administration installed two new speed bumps in the road leading to the student parking lot. Upon realizing that the original three bumps did literally nothing to impede the speed of student drivers on campus, administrators overcompensated by placing an eight-foot-tall mountain in the middle of the road, intending to bring traffic to a near standstill each morning and afternoon.

On the first day of school, students were unprepared and unaware of this new addition. As they calmly proceeded to their parking space, their poor hand-me-down sedans rocketed into the air and landed with an awkward, noisy dismount. SUVs and their unknowing owners were launched into the morning skyline, reminiscent of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or the final scene in Grease.

Even gravity has a disagreement with the blasted bump. Many students complain that the bump is so treacherous, they hit their head on the roof of their car.

Students with cars low to the ground are even more distraught; when they drive over it, the bottoms of their cars scrape the pavement, therefore damaging the underside of these poor vehicles.

Students have tried all kinds of techniques to avoid damaging their precious vehicles: driving over the bump at an angle, coming to a complete stop before mounting the golden beast, even accelerating before take-off in hopes of achieving flight and thus avoiding “bottoming out.” Those who tried the latter did not take long to realize the flaw in their logic, as the trunk of their car bounced for almost a full 60 seconds afterwards.

After a very angry first-period AP English 12 class confronted him, Principal Scott Lyons promised to investigate. He claimed he had no idea of the trauma the yellow mound of doom had caused and appeared concerned.

A word to the wise this holiday season: forget about the iPad; ask Santa for a monster truck.


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